Who am I ?
I am a strong person who has the ability to think and determine what is good and right for me. With right thinking I can then make appropriate choices within the boundaries of the promises I have made to other people and within my values. 

I fundamentally believe that I have a level of responsibility to others in my family/community, That I can't just go and do anything. Relationships require you to act, not just in your own interest, but in that of others.  

If you realize that others are just stealing your peace and energy, you have a responsibility to yourself to stop that. You don't need to sacrifice your inner peace to others because that life force is needed to keep you healthy and alive.

All that you do requires decision . . . is this right or wrong for me, does this steal my energy, or contribute to it. How can I place boundaries around that part of me that I NEED to build myself better/strong (growth) and to then be able to help others. We must be able to help both ourselves and others. Helping, however, becomes toxic when we use it to feel good about ourselves
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Our power comes from within and we are able to choose where we put our energy, and what we value most. This recognition of our ability to choose helps us to prioritize what we should do. We need to balance self care and the needs of others.

What do I need for self care to be strong physically and emotionally? Most of us need to Learn, Grow and Contribute. (LGC) 
This adds purpose to our lives. When we can identify our needs this way, they can become a guide in the flow of life, helping us to identify opportunities and decide which to act on and which to let go.   

Does my strength come from internal or external resources?  
We all have power. Where do you get your power? Does it generate from inside you, or do you need others to fill you up? We need to learn ways to build our internal power because external power can come and go. Does your power come from Job, Money, Holy Spirit or Self? When our power comes from within, people and circumstances won't imbalance our energy. We can stand strong and tall in ourselves.

Sometimes we need a guide to help us discover who we really are. Also, who we are now will change as we enter the different seasons of our lives. Being flexible and able to adapt to change is an important life skill we can learn. Healing past hurts, negative patterns and beliefs may need to be cleared away to be able to fully realize the strength we have within. Clear intuition and decision making relies on an inner knowledge of self. All these tasks of self discovery and reflection are an important part of our growth that can be difficult to accomplish without assistance. Finding a Counselor or Therapist who challenges growth and guides exploration can provide invaluable assistance in answering the major life questions that form us into the strong individuals we all desire to be.    

Do you feel like everything your partner does annoys you??? If that's what you're feeling, you may be stuck in the cycling Power Struggle Loop. This is a signal that it's time to figure out what's causing your negative feelings, and identify what you're doing and thinking that has you stuck on repeat! It's time to make some shifts so you can get out of this Ground Hog Day and move on to a more pleasant relationship environment. There is always something you can tweek and change. Sometimes what needs to change most is your perspective on the situation. Other times it may be actions or the way you respond to situations.

So what really is a Power Struggle? 2 people trying to be right at the same time or control the outcome of a situation.  History has taught us that only 1 person can be right. We have winners and we have losers. That might be true in wars, on the playground, or as a child being directed by an Adult, but in real life we all know there are many choices and options. When we live the single life we are captains of our ships and we don't have to consider the needs and opinions of a partner. Once we join a group or enter a couple relationship all that changes. We now need to listen, consider and respect the input of our team/partner or their will be an insurrection. When we feel disrespected the common responses are to fight it out, fly away, or ignore the situation. None of these options brings 2 ideas or people together in teamwork or relationship intimacy. So what do we do when we disagree in our relationship?
Step 1: We identify as a COUPLE and decide it's important that we work together to resolve the situation or issue. This requires that we are willing and able to listen to opposing ideas without feeling threatened. That we are able to respect the value of differences, even when we don't agree. 
Step 2: Know Yourself. As an Adult there are beliefs, values and behaviors that you can't compromise without compromising yourself. There are some things you must stand up for. There are also things that aren't important enough to go to war over. You need to be able to distinguish between these two. When you know yourself you will be able to decide based on values and beliefs, not just feelings, what is worthy of a strong challenge to another's ideas. Knowing yourself can also guide you to a compromise of ideas without compromising who you are.  

Most Looping Power Struggle behavior is a HABIT. It begins with a real difference in values or beliefs that remains unresolved. This main disagreement continues to be fought out in the small stuff that comes up each day. When that unresolved issue can be understood and respected by both parties, the small stuff will become small again with less importance in the relationship. The left over HABIT of challenging and criticizing will need to be changed back. Once the issue is resolved, the thinking can go from "you are my enemy" to I'm OK and You're OK. 

Ending the Looping Power Struggle requires some intentional thinking and action. It may require several tries. It may feel resolved and then rear it's head again in the future. The key is to do the work and to not give up!
Remember . . . A healthy relationship is a great asset. Let's build up our relationships and not tear them down.   

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     The Therapist was getting ready to meet with the new couple. She'd spoken to the Husband, who arranged the appointment. He described that their reason for coming to therapy was to improve communication and intimacy in the relationship. Minutes before the session was to start, the Counselor received a message from the wife, "Just wanted you to know, I'm going to ask for a divorce, and my mind is made up." To make a long story short, her mind was firmly made up, and she insisted on initiating a divorce immediately.  She felt she had tried everything and had lost all hope for change.
     It's very hard for a Counselor to be called in at the last minute, when the relationship is actually over, and one party has their mind made up.  There is very little a Counselor can do in this situation. Typically the divorcing party has exhausted themselves in the relationship and can't bear the pain anymore.  Often they've moved on and found relief with another person. Whatever the reason, it's a very sad situation for all involved.
     A relationship, like all living things, has a point where it is no longer able to survive.  Without the right "care and feeding" it will die.  It's important to get the right help before it's too late.  So what does the right help look like for a relationship?  There are many books, methods, seminars available that outline plans for relationships.  It is important to have a plan, BUT as with anything the skill in implementing the plan, the intuition and art of when and how to execute the steps, is what achieves long term results and successful change.  There are many action steps to be taken, but without acquiring specific skills first, they may fail.  Just doing something different, without first understanding why we do what we currently do, usually won't last.  We must understand the feeling and beliefs that guide our behavior and choose to change without feeling forced or controlled. Past hurts require closure and resolution. Otherwise they continue to poison our perspective on the present.  This is the work of relationship maintenance. Like a plant it requires appropriately timed food, water, pruning & staking. Like a plant, once its dried up and dead, it cant' be revived. 
     The moral of this story is that if your relationship is showing signs of distress, don't wait!  A quick application of skills and removal of toxins will produce a beautiful, healthy, fulfilling result. Our relationships are very important assets in our lives. They are worth maintaining and saving. They are worth the effort.

Now that 2020 is officially in full swing and we're done with the parties and family celebrations, it's time to get started on actually making things happen for us!  We all know we're supposed to come up with our New Year's Resolutions. How many of us really go there, past the common goals of losing weight, starting a budget,and being a better person? 

I want to offer you some thoughts to get you started to making some meaningful changes for the new year. First of all studies have shown that there are some main reasons why we don't actually stick with our resolutions. To make changes we need to have a plan. The problem is that these action steps needed to create change aren't an easy road to take. But there are deeper reasons in play that often we aren't even aware of, keeping us from planning those critical action steps.  I'm going to give you a thought to get you started, and to hopefully get you past your default setting when it comes to change, to a fresh space of growth and freedom for this new year.  Before anything in our lives can change we need to change our minds first and be open to new direction.

Consider how your present way of doing things may provide some short term benefits, but hold you back in the big picture. If there is a positive, benefit to what we are doing, we will often talk ourselves out of giving that up.  Change frequently requires giving something up, which feels like a loss. We hold on, hoarding what we have, rather than realizing that sometimes you have to let go to move forward. 
     I had a client who was teaching part time at a Trade School.This was an honor and he considered it one of his life achievements. He was proud of this accomplishment. Each semester it took a lot of time and effort to teach the class and prepare the lessons.  He noticed that he was very tired during the time he taught a course and that it drained him.  This was a part time job on top of his full time work.  As we explored his full time work and what that meant to him, he realized there was a lot he wanted to do in his full time job area that he lacked the energy to follow through with.  After talking through the situation he was able to come to understand that the teaching was actually holding him back from expanding and growing in his main job and life in general.  It took courage to let go of something that appeared as a good thing, but in the bigger context of life, it was actually preventing further growth and new experiences. One of the best things about therapy is that it can help you see the big picture, explore your options, potential outcomes and come to the best decision for you.  He was able to let go of the teaching position and open up his life to new possibilities that gave him energy rather than continuing to do what looked good, but actually was limiting. 
     What are you holding on to that may be holding you back from having the time and energy to discover something new?  Is it time to Let Go!